As kids move past nine years of age, their world begins to widen. They start experiencing what they have only seen in movies till now. That ticklish feeling of love, that excitement of seeing your crush, the feverish passion of secret conversations, stolen glances, and feeling more alive to the possibility of life in company of someone they develop a romantic feeling for.
As adults this can seem like a simpler idea, but the kind of expansion that their young minds go through in this period is both exemplary and important to understand. Their understanding of life goes beyond their familial ties, ensuring that they go on to develop ties with people beyond their previous understanding of social boundaries.
As we try to understand the implications of this, it is extremely important to be careful in how we treat kids and their early experiences of social expansion, and development of romantic affiliations. This is especially important to understand when, around the onset of Valentine’s Day, one often feels like they are missing out on something – an essential, incredible life experience – if they are not in a romantic relationship.
Having close, intimate friendships, and a partner in adolescence could be a boost for a person’s confidence. Relationships based on good communication, and easy intimacy has been understood to make people in their adolescence feel happier and more comfortable with themselves. People at that age value trust, support and closeness that a close friendship or a romantic relationship offers. Interestingly, teens show a stronger tenancy to have a conflict with their parents than their close friends, and romantic partners at that age. However, there is more to these relationships than just trying to picture an idea of an adult dream.
Spending time together, and taking part in activities that both or either one of the partners enjoy is an important part of a young relationship (both romantic and platonic). These relationships can be the beginning of healthy, supportive sexual development, which has been recognized across the world as an important part of moving towards adulthood.
Most individuals have shown to have had some experience of a romantic relationship by the time they turned seventeen. As a society, we need to learn not to see this as something we need to curb and control, but to work towards in a healthier way. An open, direct conversation with elders who do not judge them, but appear as a friendly voice. To tell them stories, anecdotes of their own early interactions that were romantic in nature. Normalising that itchy feeling in your tummy, supporting them with the little moves, and hopefully being a confidante, they can come to for a conversation.
Most young people start their romantic journey in the form of crushes. It is the bud that hopefully – eventually – blooms into something deeper. That silent, brewing admiration for that special someone. The hesitation to talk, weighing every word more than its worth. Before finally mustering the courage to go have that one conversation.
Individuals in their early teens socialize outside of school in mixed-gender groups through these early romantic attractions. This gives them the space to not just begin brief dating relationships, but also friendships that are often modeled to replicate the kind of relationships they see adults around them having.
These individuals find confidence by marking an early presence in the romantic arena, while also being supported by strong friendships. This confidence gives them the ability to resist peer opinion and choose a romantic partner on compatibility instead of social desirability. These relationships can go a long way in shaping them as individuals and also define other relationships they form later in life.
Additionally, these relationships also go a long way in making young adolescents learn about community building, and working as a team. This can become an important way to become more aware that the privileges that your family could offer you, do not have an infinite limit. Moulding oneself to the like, and dislike of someone else – handling good, and tough conversations – is a great learning curve. An essential lesson on sharing, open, healthy conversations, and seeing themselves as a part of a larger communal idea, instead of limiting themselves to their familial surroundings.
While parents can often be afraid of the impact that fights, arguments, heartbreaks, and rejections, can have on a young mind, there is a way to navigate through that too.
With age and maturity come more realistic expectations and, hopefully, stronger capacities to make discerning partner choices, communicate and negotiate with partners and recover from relationship setbacks and break ups. ‘Hopefully’ is the operative word here, because we know that people of any age can be undone by their heartbreaks and poor romantic choices. Nevertheless there are some protective factors likely to assist young people to negotiate first romantic relationships and survive break-ups.
Early sex education is important, ideally emanating from the home and supported by the school curriculum. It’s a bit late for ‘the talk’ on the eve of a young person’s first date. Education that goes beyond the mechanics of sex and emphasises mutual respect, decision-making and the meaning of consent should help young people to resist relationship bullying and sexual coercion. School and community-based programmes that focus on teaching the characteristics of healthy romantic relationships, recognising gender-based stereotypes, improving conflict-management and communication skills, and decreasing acceptance of partner violence can effectively reduce dating violence in adolescent relationships. In addition, parental modelling of respectful interrelationships sets a pattern for young people to aim for in their own interactions.
Family and peer discussions that normalise teenage romantic relations – and breaking up – also help young people to frame their expectations and experiences in context. Some teenagers may need extra encouragement to maintain links with their friends, and to keep up their sports and hobbies when they are in the throes of an intense romance. But it is important that they do maintain these support links in order to help them resist the kinds of relationships that are too interdependent and have an obsessional quality. When this kind of relationship breaks up, there is a greater risk of distress and depression. Maintaining links with friends provides a distraction from troubles and a sounding board for adolescents to discuss their romantic successes, failures and hopes.
This is not to say that these early excursions in a romantic space come without a cautionary signpost for people in their adolescence. Entering and exploring the world beyond the comfortable cocoon of family can often lead to emotionally vulnerable experiences. Fights with friends, conflicts with your partner often become the first instances of a person growing on to realize how to deal with these situations, which is both uncomfortable, nerve-wracking, but an important learning curve.
For a young person who is more sensitive emotionally, an argument, or a break up can trigger a sense of despair, and self-doubt. A potential of an unhealthy relationship, defined by conflicts, and lack of trust, can also leave these people scaringly close to suffering with anxiety and depressive episodes.
In today’s world, cyber safety is a key issue for all of us, but especially young people. Education about topics such as the potential dangers of sexting, online sexual predators and the distortion of romantic relationships depicted on pornography sites is essential for adolescents. Parental monitoring of online activity, especially among children and younger teenagers, may be advisable, and this requires that parents too become educated in new media – savvy about Facebook, Instagram, Tinder etcetera. While adolescents need their privacy, it is important for parents to be watchful for warning signs of obsessive and secretive internet use. The heady emotions of falling in love can lead teenagers into unwise activities; the problem with the internet is that social media posts can come back to haunt them well after a relationship is over.
Adolescent romantic relationships – with all their ups and downs – have the capacity to be growth-promoting, confidence-boosting and healthy experiences that teach young people about the give and take of intimacy. They also provide traps for young players. And while we cannot (and should not) shield the adolescents in our care from all the hurts and disappointments that life throws up, there are protective factors that limit the likelihood of serious harm from toxic partnerships or distressing break-ups. Watchful, kindly and respectful parenting, strong friendship networks and relationship-oriented sex education can all play their part in helping adolescents enjoy their romantic adventures and learn from them.